First off, let go of asking why this experience happened, and instead, view this moment as an opportunity to find acceptance. Believe me when I say that I have been “a victim of why” for many years. I used to believe that once I figured out why, I would feel better. Oh, so many restless nights and bouts of insomnia! Oh, the trick our minds can play on us in thinking we can find the answer if we just figure out why, or find a reason . . . Truthfully, letting go of why was the single hardest thing to do in my life. I was such a firm believer in “the quest for why” until I realized that seeking why didn’t make me feel any better.
Asking why keeps us trapped in our head and leads us to believe that we can find an answer. We have a false belief that we will feel better after we figure out why; that figuring out why will make us understand. We are fooled into believing that we can find comfort by having the answer.
Not so! Because answers are infinite—there is no right or wrong. There isn’t one answer that will suffice—that’s an illusion.
Our thoughts change all the time, and our new thoughts impact the answer we think we’ve found. Each successive thought could easily produce a whole different answer the next day—and then what? You are back on the treadmill once again trying to figure out why!
If you’re a big thinker like I am, you believe it’s getting you somewhere, and you won’t want to let go of thinking so much. It’s stimulating! It feels intellectually good to ponder, to analyze . . . It takes care of that need we have to figure things out.
Are you programmed that way? Did you enter the world this way?
Just know that if it’s a need you have, and the good news is that you can fulfill this need in other more fruitful ways. You can read an intellectual book, do research online, take a class, learn something new like how to play an instrument, or engage in debate or other thoughtful conversation.
It’s okay to let go of why.
Learn how to entertain your mind in other ways—and practice.
Instead, use your power of different perspective (see previous chapter on Perspective is Powerful) to help you let go of figuring out why.
A new perspective will help you find a positive outlook and will provide clarity. For example, “I don’t need to figure out why (something happened), because it doesn’t matter in the long run.
The event is over, and I am learning from this experience. I know what my mistakes are, and I will not repeat them.”
There are a billion reasons why, so it’s actually beyond your control of realization.
You may be wondering: But how do you know your mistakes if you don’t review the experience by asking why it happened?
You may want to beat yourself up asking rather critically, “Why did I do that?”
Recall if you will, Chapter Five’s set of questions around finding new perspective.
They didn’t involve why; they focused on your experience and what you gained from it.
In other words, you can learn from your mistakes using this type of focus. You do the inner work rather than placing your attention outside of yourself on the other person to figure out why.
The answers are found within by feeling into your experience: You are the answer!
Excerpt from "A New Leaf; 12 Spiritual Truths for Starting Over"
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