I attended a great workshop yesterday and I feel motivated to share some of its main concepts about finding balance in relationships. It makes sense to me – see if does for you too. These concepts are the building blocks for everything in our lives relationships, work, family . . .
The idea is built around basic biological differences between man and woman or male and female energy. Yin and Yang. First know that women have an innate pattern of behavior: first they receive, then transform, and then contribute. I.e. Women receive the sperm, transform the sperm and egg inside their bodies, then contribute the creation to the world. Women’s power originates in RECEPTIVITY. This is the single most primary concept.
To achieve clarity about how receptive we are, we women can ask ourselves this question: Which way is my energy going? Am I spending more time giving (outward toward the world) or receiving (inward toward self)?
Suggestion: Pick a typical day to consider yourself. Then write a list of what you did for others. Then write a list of what you did for self. Typically, women end up having a bigger list of things they do for others than they do for themselves. However, our most compelling trait - the trait that helps balance our lives both within and with male energy, is receptivity.
~ Am I allowing myself to receive in my life?
Surrender to the opportunity to be truly RECEPTIVE.
Why? Because in relationships, it will create the balance needed to make them work. You see men, on the other hand, NEED to give. That is their single most primary concept: CONTRIBUTING. Basically, you are castrating who they are when you don't receive them - their contribution.
When you do all the giving . . . When you refuse to let them help you . . . When you tell them, No, it's okay I got it. or You don't have to do that, I can do it myself. You probably didn't know this but you are triggering a universal wound for men: rejection. They need to contribute, it's that giving energy that makes them a man. If you are wondering why your man doesn't help around the house anymore or doesn't show up the way you want them to . . . you might even think they are lazy. Gasp! Take a good look at yourself and consider the fact that you may be doing too much contributing/giving. The balance is off. You have taken over and without knowing it, allowed him to be that way. So stop it and see what happens. Redirect your energy and focus on yourself and receiving. Most likely, he will seize the opportunity to come back around and contribute again. Balance is restored. If he doesn't, then I recommend coming to see me for some connection building. Set up a time for a couples coaching session.
Women, our universal wound is abandonment. This is a crazy cycle we put ourselves in, of putting all our energy into giving - making the efforts to get our man to do something. Trying to get our man to change. Yes, that too is in our DNA - after all, we changed the sperm (via our egg) into a baby - It's what we do! Of course we want our man to change! (Haha!) And with our primary unconscious motive: fear of abandonment, we pursue! We pursue our man to avoid being abandoned. But wait a minute - that is his job! It's in his DNA to pursue, to contribute.
So . . . what is the solution? To stay in our power and focus on receiving. Realigning with our innate wisdom. We can let go of all the effort (masculine energy) and surrender. This allows the door to open and for him to feel his personal power again: to contribute.
Women, we feel most loved and inspired to have sex when we think highly of our man. When we feel an emotional connection through our intellect, through our conversation. Our hearts open up when we are listened to. For men, it's actually a lot simpler. (In a committed relationship), men use sex to open up their hearts. For men, this is the starting point. It's how he feels his personal power. Sex is the number one need for a man in marriage. In fact, also according to Dr. Felice Dunas, when erectile dysfunction is an issue, they are experiencing an aspect of female energy (the worry and anxiety).
But just because our power as a woman lies in RECEPTIVITY, that doesn't mean we don't do anything!
Knowing this helps us to know how to direct our energy inside the relationship, in the most beneficial way. So, when our partner or our boss is relating to us in a way that makes us feel uncomfortable: practice DISCERNMENT. Ask yourself: Is this good for me? If and when you receive information that doesn't feel good: SET BOUNDARIES. Practice using your innate bodily wisdom - your inherent behavior pattern: 1.) RECEIVE 2.) TRANSFORM and 3.) CONTRIBUTE.
Once you receive that person and it doesn't feel good to you, give them feedback: "You are giving me so much information at such a rapid pace that I cannot digest it all. (RECEIVING) I'd like to suggest that I sit with what you have given me thus far and set up another time to receive the rest. By setting time limits, we can be more productive." (TRANSFORMING). Your outcome is your CONTRIBUTION that works for everyone.
Sometimes you will need to instruct others on how to behave so you can receive them. Tell your partner, "Please just hold the space for me to share my feelings right now."Men have the need to transform also. They will transform their behavior when they get our feedback. (We women must be nice vs. rejecting) They have a process of receiving too - only it comes after contributing. Their process of receiving directly correlates with their ability to contribute what you want.
If you feel like this information is striking a chord with you, let me know. If you feel angry or mystified after reading this piece, I suggest setting up a time to talk with me. Let's see if I can help you get clarity. Let's see how your needs can get met.
All information taken from workshop dated 3-12-16, Women's Symposium, San Luis Obispo with Dr. Felice Dunas.